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Your northern California wedding has some distinct offerings: Golden Gate’s proud city surrounded by beautiful wine countryside – Napa Valley. Cindy Danbom of Bella Notte Events knows the city well, and gave us these ideas:
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Any diamond will carry a romantic message to a beloved bride, but only one will set her heart on fire. A diamond that is so perfectly cut that it has all the classic elements of a diamond’s beauty—brilliance, dispersion and scintillation. A diamond that sparkles like a red-hot fire. A Hearts On Fire diamond.
It was right before a friend’s wedding a
few years ago that I realized families aren’t always pleasant to each other
during the wedding process. For years it
has been suggested that couples seek the advice of the clergy to prepare for
their commitment to marriage in the form of “pre-marital counseling”. More frequently now the family has been
getting involved. Many newlyweds are
fortunate to have functional, happy relationships with their own families as
well as their in-laws. Yet, like my
friend, more and more are confused about the new family dynamics. My friend’s experience was to be told in
writing from her soon-to-be mother-in-law the pros and cons of herself. An actual list of what her fiancée’s mother
thought she should personally work on for their lives together. It was when I heard this story that it became
crystal clear: pre-marital counseling needed to include more people than the
couple, and it should be a priority.
The planning process is wonderful and
challenging simultaneously. This is also true of therapy. Couples or family counseling is an investment
in your future, buying you the skills to communicate effectively and
productively if trouble comes up. One
worse-case scenario I saw from a couple that came in for counseling before
their wedding pertained to the groom’s mother, who stated at every family
gathering that she would actively pursue ending their relationship before the
wedding took place. She began openly
sabotaging her son’s relationship because she didn’t like the attention the
daughter-in-law was taking away from her.
When this kind of trouble comes up
before the nuptials have even taken place, it’s essential everyone have a
chance to address their needs with the objectivity of a therapist. Traditionally, couples have waited until conflict
becomes an issue after the ceremony to attend counseling. These escalated circumstances prove the
wait-and-see approach only enables the dynamics to continue.
When family behaves badly or won’t listen
to your wishes, it’s time to call the therapist and focus on healthy
boundaries. When family begins open
hostility to one another, it’s time to learn new communication skills with a
therapist. If either the bride or groom
begins to feel animosity from their impending in-laws, it’s time to get into
the therapy room. In my opinion, the
best case-scenario has all of the family in therapy together.
Confronting
these dynamics as soon as they come up is essential to getting the
marriage off on the right track: conflict-free. There’s plenty of time
to disagree over the cleanliness of the house, the division of labor in
household chores, or the color of paint. When a marriage starts with
conflict that becomes divisive or is a repeated personal attack from a
family member, that’s a whole new ballgame and why I created the term
“wedding coaching”. All of my pre-marital clients struggle with
the same issues.: Limits, communication and escalation. Boundaries are healthy
and part of everyday life (traffic laws, workplace etiquette, etc.) and yet
they struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries with the people they interact
with most. Communication skills are
important as they pave the road back from conflict – of any kind. “Learning to argue” sounds ridiculous yet
enables personal needs to be heard and acted on. Learning the triggers for anger, to be
assertive, and take on only what you are individually responsible for are
essential tools when living in family dynamics.
Through wedding coaching you can address all of these issues and resolve
the family conflict before it weakens the relationship.
The best thing anyone can do for their
marriage is to invest in its future. Planning
a wedding is exciting and hopeful. Now preparation
for how to disagree by finding common ground and respect is planning for a
strong and loving relationship after the wedding of your dreams.
Jodi Klugman-Rabb
is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area who
specializes in family dynamics, conflict resolution, anger management and
trauma. Contact her at www.jkrabb.com
Any diamond will carry a romantic message to a beloved bride, but only one will set her heart on fire. A diamond that is so perfectly cut that it has all the classic elements of a diamond’s beauty—brilliance, dispersion and scintillation. A diamond that sparkles like a red-hot fire. A Hearts On Fire diamond.
