Drs. Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks Relationship Experts                             Photography by Jihan Abdalla
Authors of Conscious Loving: The Journey To Co-Commitment

Strong Marriages Are Built On Four Pillars
    In the 28 years of our own marriage, and from the experience of counseling several thousand couples, we’ve learned a great deal about what it takes to build thriving marriages. One thing we’ve learned for certain: the choices you make in your first year of marriage can make a huge difference in creating a strong foundation on which to build a life together. Whether we’re talking to one couple in our office or ten million people on Oprah, we stress the importance of four major principles. We call them the Four Pillars, because if you take time to establish them in the early days of your marriage you’ll have a strong foundation to deal with the joys and challenges of a life together.
We encourage you to read the Four Pillars and practice the solutions until you feel them “in your bones.” Creating a thriving modern marriage takes a lot of awareness and dedication. It’s well worth doing, though, because the reward is a lifelong deepening of life’s greatest treasure: love.

The First Pillar: Commitment
    Relationships thrive when each partner commits to complete union with the other person and full creative expression as an individual. Your commitment to your partner and yourself must be big enough to embrace the inevitable missteps and wobbles along the way. Commitment doesn’t prevent missteps and wobbles, but it gives you a place to come back home to when you’ve temporarily lost your way.

The Practical Solution: What To Focus On Every Day
    Human beings have a deep need for loving union with another person. At the same time we also have a powerful drive toward independence and full creative development. Some people are naturally more inclined to intimacy and closeness, while others are more naturally inclined toward independence. No matter which way you lean, you need to honor both sides of yourself in order to be in balance. If you lean more toward intimacy, make sure you balance yourself with plenty of time for your own creative endeavors. If you lean more toward the independent, make sure you balance yourself with a stance of openness to intimacy and plenty of snuggle-time.

The Second Pillar: Continuous Learning
    Relationships thrive when each partner is open to learning from every relationship interaction, especially the stressful ones. When stressful events occur, many people get defensive and latch on to the need to be right. The smart choice, though, is to be aware of all your feelings and communicate those feelings instead of getting defensive. Some popular defensive moves are criticizing, sulking in silence, making noisy uproars, or numbing out with food, drink, smoke, TV and other habit-forming drugs. Getting defensive causes people to make the same mistakes over and over; being open to learning lets you learn from those mistakes so you don’t get stuck in recycling patterns that take the exhilaration out of marriage.

The Practical Solution
    Make a heartfelt commitment to learning something new from every relationship interaction. Notice your defensive moves as they emerge, and gradually transplant wondering and truth-speaking in place of defensiveness. Getting defensive only happens when you’re scared, so get to the real root of the problem by talking openly about your anxieties. You’ll probably have quite a few of them as you grow in intimacy, so it’s wise to get a habit started right away of open, honest communication in your marriage.

The Third Pillar: Integrity
    Relationships thrive when people keep their agreements impeccably. It doesn’t matter whether an agreement seems trivial (“Sorry, honey, but I forgot to take the trash out.”) or significant (“Sorry, honey, I forgot to make the house payment.”) Any un-kept agreement, even a small one, is like a wrinkle in the living room rug. Take a moment to smooth it out, and it won’t keep irritating you every time you walk through.

People also thrive in a climate of 100% accountability, where nobody blames the other person or claims to be the victim. 100% accountability is when you shift from “Why did you do that to me?” to “Hmmm, I wonder how I contributed to events occurring the way they did?” From this empowered position, problems can be solved quickly, because time and energy are not squandered in a fruitless attempt to blame yourself or others.

The Practical Solution
    Be aware of the agreements you make, even if they’re small ones. Be sure you want to make it in the first place. Once you make an agreement, fulfill it impeccably if at all possible. If you cannot keep the agreement, change it consciously by communicating with the person you made the agreement with.

Make your marriage a No-Blame Zone. In any situation that occurs, claim responsibility for creating it the way it occurred. Wonder about how and why you might have wanted it to occur that way. Chronic criticism is the #1 destroyer of intimacy in close relationships. On a very practical level, be aware of how you express yourself from moment to moment. Speak in empowered language rather than victim language. In day-to-day living it’s easy to slip into victim language, even if you’re a relationship expert! A while back Kathlyn heard Gay say “Yuck, I have to go to the dentist today.” She gently reminded him of his commitment to speaking empowered language rather than victim language. He thanked her and quickly amended his statement to “I’m choosing to go to the dentist today, because I’m committed to having healthy teeth.” Not long ago we were sitting behind a couple at the movies. He left for the concession stand and returned with a giant tub of buttered popcorn. She said, in the whiniest of victim tones, “Why did you buy the biggest bucket? You know I can’t resist it.” If she were speaking empowered language, it would be just as easy for her to say, “Thanks for getting the biggest bucket. It’s the perfect challenge for me because of how much I love buttered popcorn. Let me see if I can eat just the perfect amount to honor my commitment to my health.” Speaking empowered language might not keep her from eating as much popcorn, but at least she wouldn’t be eating it from the position of a helpless victim! (*Be patient with yourself, too. We made a commitment early in our marriage to eliminating blame and criticism, but found that it took us several years to break the habit. It’s entirely doable, too: It’s been at least ten years since either one of us has uttered a word of blame or criticism to the other.)

The Fourth Pillar: Appreciation
    Relationships flourish when partners appreciate each other liberally. People grow more beautiful through our appreciation of them. Relationships take a quantum leap when each partner practices appreciation of the other person as a daily art form. Making a habit of giving genuine appreciations to your partner builds a reservoir of closeness that can help you feel friendly toward your partner while you’re moving through the inevitable issues that arise in relationships.

The Practical Solution
    Invent new ways to appreciate your partner every day, and speak those appreciations frequently. Ask yourself questions such as “What is my partner’s true essence and how can I invite it forth?” And “What could I appreciate about my partner at this moment?” Keep your appreciations simple and heartfelt, along the lines of “I really love the way you hug me when you come home” and “I appreciate the way you take out the trash without being reminded.” Always be on the lookout for what’s right in the relationship and your partner, and tell him/her about it as often as possible.

Resources
www.therelationshipsolution.com
www.hendricks.com

©2008 The Hendricks Institute, Inc.