Etiquette Q&A
BY JEAN PICARD

Q: I’ve always wanted an elegant evening wedding, but our church has only three time slots for ceremonies—10 a.m., noon and 2 p.m. What can we do with our guests for the three hours until the reception starts?

A: Synchronizing the ceremony and reception times is a common challenge for brides. Often, reception venues offer two time slots, generally 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. and 6 p.m. to midnight, which don’t mesh with the schedules of many ceremony locations.
It is time to weigh your priorities. You can either forego your dream of an evening wedding or choose a different ceremony site. You cannot have a three-hour gap between the ceremony and reception. Yes, there are things your guests could do for those three hours—see a movie, go shopping, take a nap, mow the lawn—but will it be fun for them or make for a good party?
     The idea of a “hospitality suite” at a hotel, perhaps the one where your reception is taking place, or one where many of your guests are staying, will probably be suggested to you. Not a good idea. Do you want the added expense of an elegant pre-reception, or would you prefer to destroy the elegance you’re aiming for by interjecting an unpolished little party that’s out of character with the rest of the event? Either way, by the time the “real” reception starts, many guests will be partied-out. Some will even drop out as well, increasing the number of no-shows at the reception.
     Whatever there is for guests to do during a long gap in a wedding, they usually go home or to their hotel to slip into something more comfortable. Sadly, many don’t bother to change back into their wedding finery for the delayed reception, which certainly detracts from the elegance the bride had envisioned.
     There is no satisfactory solution to the gap problem. Pacing makes a party, and a gap simply destroys the flow of the event.

Q: We’d like to have the engagement party over Labor Day weekend, but my fiancé’s divorce won’t be final until the end of September. Is that a problem?

A: The problem (for our purposes) is that, technically, a married man cannot simultaneously be a fiancé. Ideally, he would not have proposed marriage until it was lawful for him to marry again. Since it is too late to shut the proverbial barn door, it would be prudent not to make a public display of the premature engagement. Hold off on that party until the end of September.  

Q: My parents want to give us a traditional engagement party. We don’t want anyone to feel obligated to bring a gift, but my mother says you can’t put “No Gifts” on an invitation.

A: Your mother is right! But you can avoid the problem altogether by having a “reverse surprise party.”  Guests are invited to a regular party, then are surprised when your father announces your engagement.
     If any guests who knew of the engagement happen to bring a gift, put it away for the duration of the party so as not to make others uncomfortable about not having brought a gift.
 
Q: Do meals have to be provided for the wedding vendors?

A: Some wedding vendors are at the wedding for just a short time to make a delivery or set up; there is no need to provide a meal for them. Vendors, such as the consultant, photographer, musicians and DJ, who will be spending an extended period of time at the wedding, should have a meal. Some wedding professionals even have this provision in their contract. The caterer can either provide the modified wedding menu at a reduced cost , since the vendors will not be drinking alcohol or getting every course, or provide box lunches—a good choice when the vendors cannot enjoy the meal while it is hot, as is the case with the musicians or photographer. Arrangements must be made in advance with the caterer.

Q: A number of our guests are diabetic, vegetarian, or on low-carb diets. Do we have to accommodate them all?

A: Most of your guests will be aware that you’re hosting a wedding, not running a restaurant, and will somehow manage to get through the meal. Buffets and stations make it easy to accommodate a wide variety of dietary restrictions. If you plan to serve a plated meal, ask your caterer if you can offer guests three entrée choices. Guests can check off their choices on the response card.

Q: We’re having an outdoor wedding, not super formal, but we don’t want guests to come too casually dressed as we have seen at some weddings. What can we do?

A: Specifying “Garden Party Attire” will make the point without getting too heavy-handed. You can print that on an invitation enclosure card along with other pertinent information. You might write: “Since both the ceremony and reception will take place in the garden, you might want to bring along sunglasses, sunscreen, and a wrap in case it gets a bit chilly after the sun goes down.”

Q: I attended a wedding where a drunken uncle got the microphone and made a really long, really bad toast. How do we keep that from happening at our wedding?

A: The toasts and speeches portion of the reception can easily get out of hand if it is not carefully orchestrated. You and your fiancé need to determine in advance who will speak, in what order, and for how long. Appoint an assertive toastmaster who will be able to take control if someone seems to be going on interminably or in poor taste. It is best done early in the celebration, before too much alcohol has been consumed.

Q: Our wedding budget is limited, and the only way to have a really nice reception with absolutely everything I want is to have fewer people. But our church is fairly large, so we could have three times more people at the ceremony. Is it okay to invite some people to the ceremony but not the reception? (We don’t have time to do a cake-and-punch reception for all in between.)

A: You no doubt have a lengthy explanation at the ready for those who might feel slighted at the limited invitation. But there is no explanation that will convince them that they are not second-class citizens in your world. Some invitees will decline the invitation (and delete you from their databases). Others will attend but be unable to feel really good about it. Imagine that you are one of the ceremony-only guests and the person sitting next to you says “I’m not very good with maps. Could I follow you to the reception?” Ooh, another turn of the knife!
     Then there is the problem of the carefully-made seating arrangements at your perfect little reception being muddled when ceremony-only guests show up, not realizing that they weren’t invited to that part of the wedding. It will happen, and you will be forced to squeeze them in or turn them away.
     Wouldn’t it be better to scale back just a bit so that you can afford to include everyone you would really like to have at your wedding? More than likely, that number would not be near the “three times more” than your church can hold.