Etiquette Q & A
by jean picard

Q: My mother is hosting an engagement party for us, and we’re working on the itinerary. Should we schedule time for opening gifts? 
    Since engagement gifts are not obligatory, not everyone will bring one. So it would not be appropriate to open gifts at the party. The person greeting the arriving guests should receive any gifts with surprise and thanks and place them in an inconspicuous spot.

Q: I’ve always heard that a couple should tell their parents about the engagement first, but my fiancé wants to tell his daughter and even his ex-wife first. I think my parents should come before her. 
    Even if a child were not involved, it is courteous to inform a former spouse of one’s engagement at some point before she is likely to hear it from another source. When there is a child, the child must be the very first person told. For the child’s sake, the other parent needs to be the second. Then you may tell the parents.

Q: We’re having a destination wedding in another country in about a year. How much earlier than usual do we need to send out the invitations?
    Invitations are usually sent out six to eight weeks before the wedding. When guests need more notice, save-the-dates are sent out four months or more in advance. In the case of a destination wedding outside the country, guests will appreciate as much notice as possible. They will need time to get their passports in order and obtain any necessary visas. With your wedding a year away, now is not too soon to send out save-the-dates.

Q: How far in advance must we choose our bridal party?
    It’s good to give bridal attendants as much notice as possible, perhaps three to six months, since being in a wedding calls for quite an outlay of cash as well as time commitments. However, if you’re having a two-year engagement, asking them to make such a commitment so far in advance should be avoided (A lot can happen in two years!).

Q: Who is supposed to pay for the wedding, the bride’s parents, right?
    That is a tradition that has changed with the times. Today, only about one in four weddings are paid for solely by the bride’s parents. More and more couples are paying for their own weddings or at least sharing the costs with the parents of the bride and sometimes the groom.

Q: Can we put registry information on our wedding Web site and in our wedding newsletter?
    Including registry information on a Web site, in a newsletter, in a wedding announcement or in any invitation other than a shower invitation, while seemingly practical, is extremely offensive to many people. You may give the information to your parents, your attendants and perhaps a few of your very closest friends or relatives; and they can spread the word. You can be confident that your guests will know who to ask for your registry information. 

Q: I’m receiving a lot of wedding invitations this year, many of which I will not be attending. Must I send a gift anyway?
    Traditionally, receiving a wedding invitation carried the obligation to send a gift, whether attending or not. It’s a tradition with no basis in common sense. A gift is, by definition, something voluntarily bestowed, not extracted, extorted or expected. If you are sufficiently fond of either the bride or groom to feel happiness at the prospect of their marriage, though circumstances prevent you from attending the wedding, send a gift. If you really feel no connection to the people who issued the invitation, do not send a gift.

Q: My fiancé’s best friend is a woman, and he wants to have her as “best woman,” which I don’t mind except that it sounds silly. What else can we call her? And what should she wear?
    If you don’t find the term “best woman” (or “man of honor”) amusing, you might prefer “honor attendant.” There is no need to dress her in men’s clothing. She can wear the same dress as the bridesmaids, in black or gray if you prefer to have her match the groomsmen’s formal attire. Rather than carrying a bouquet, she would wear a corsage of the same flowers as in the groomsmen’s boutonnieres.

Q: My six bridesmaids cannot agree on a dress. Isn’t it rude of them to not just shut up and wear whatever I tell them to?
    This can be one of the most difficult points in the entire wedding planning process! If a bride would line up her bridesmaids (if only in her mind) and take an honest look at them, she would likely see that they do not “match;” so why should their dresses? Different heights, sizes and shapes -- not to mention coloring -- makes choosing one dress that will be perfect for all of them impossible. 
    Why not let each choose her own dress from a range of complementary styles and colors? You might even get them to agree on a single color if they are allowed to choose the style. Most makers of bridesmaid dresses offer several styles in the same fabric and color. You might specify long or short and let each choose from among the various skirt styles, necklines, sleeves and straps. The important thing is not that they match but that they harmonize.