Michael Aram, Coral Reef Black Serving Set - The Coral Reef Collection
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Art of Shaving 
Malibu Cocktail Shaker
| Q&A Etiquette Part 3 |
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 Q & A Etiquette By Jean Picard Q: We‘re getting married here on the Central Coast, but my mother retired to another state and hasn‘t been able to help me with the planning. She is becoming very critical of all our choices. How can I deal with her negativity? A: This sounds like a clear case of Mom feeling left out. She may not be able to accompany you on vendor appointments, but there is no reason she can’t participate in the planning. Find out what aspects of the wedding mean the most to her and give consideration to her preferences where you can. For example, if the food is one of her highest priorities, narrow down the hors-d’oeuvres menu to a dozen items and ask her to choose the final six. With email and a good long-distance calling plan, sharing the planning with your mother will be efficient and affordable. Best of all, you and she will be making memories together. Q: I’m on good terms with my ex. Should I invite him to the wedding? My fiancé doesn’t like the idea at all. A: He is so right. It is said that there is an exception to every rule. But, in the case of the one that says former spouses are never invited to one’s wedding, I can’t think of a single one. Q: We both have complicated families—two sets of divorced parents, all with new significant others and lots of hard feelings. How should we seat them? A: At the ceremony, the two mothers and their significant others have the first row on either side of the aisle. The fathers and their significant others get the second row. If they do not get along well enough to be in such close proximity for the duration of the ceremony, then the fathers get the third row; and the second row--the buffer zone--goes to other family members. It will be necessary to make a chart for the ushers and to make name tags to tape to the front of the chair backs. (Be sure to laminate the name tags so there’s no chance of ink transferring to someone’s clothing.) At the reception, it is a simple matter to have all opposing parties seated at separate tables, those tables being as far apart as you deem necessary. Q: We both have children from our first marriages. Should we include them in the bridal party? A: Only if they are entirely comfortable with it. If the children, small or grown, are not enthusiastic about the remarriage, or if they are going to feel as if they are being disloyal to the other parent, then they should not be coerced into being in the wedding party. Another factor is the age of the children. The average ten-year-old would not enjoy being an over-age, oversized ring bearer or flower girl. Unless all the children who would wish to participate are appropriate ages to fill a bridal party position, a better alternative is to have the officiant include them in part of the ceremony. Q: We’re having a very elegant evening reception. I would like to make it Black Tie, but my fiancé thinks it’s rude to tell guests what to wear. Is it? A: Though guests do welcome a hint as to what they might wear, most do not appreciate being told what they must wear. That is just what you are doing when you specify Black Tie on an invitation. Those in your circle who do not already own formal attire would need to buy or rent it—tuxedos for the men and formals with suitable accessories for the women. Add those expenses to the cost of travel arrangements and a present, and some guests could decide your wedding is just too costly a proposition. Perhaps the gentler Black Tie Optional would help achieve the degree of formality you desire without being quite so off-putting. Black Tie Optional says “If you have a tuxedo or evening gown, wear it. If not, the closest thing you have to a dark business suit or cocktail dress will do nicely.” Q: Our parents want to invite people we don’t even know (and, yes, they are paying for the wedding). Do we have to invite them?  A: If you have space or budget limitations that would mean leaving out people you actually know in favor of people you don’t, then you must have a serious talk with your parents. Otherwise, why not give in on this point and make your parents happy? Q: Our wedding budget is limited, but we do plan to hire professionals for every aspect of the wedding. How do we tactfully turn down offers from well-meaning friends and relatives who are volunteering (as amateurs) for everything from making the cake and floral arrangements to doing the photography and videography? A: Not that some amateurs can’t do an admirable job, but too often they don’t. The horror stories of amateurish-looking wedding cakes with tiers and layers sliding down before cake-cutting time, to wedding albums filled with red-eye snapshots and videos that pale in comparison with professional wedding videos. These are just a few sad but true stories to reinforce your determination to have professionals handle every aspect of your wedding. Just say something like, “Thank you so much. That is really generous. But you are so important to us that we want you to just relax and enjoy the wedding and have time to visit with us.” It would also be a good idea to book your vendors as soon as possible so you can simply say, “That is so sweet, but we’ve already booked the [whatever] and there’s no way to get out of the contract without losing our substantial deposit.” |
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