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 Q&A Etiquette
by Jean Picard
photography by Skye Blu Photography
Q: We are from the Midwest and are planning a destination wedding on the Central Coast. Who pays for the bridal party’s travel expenses and accommodations?
The bridal party’s accommodations are traditionally taken care of by the bride and groom. For the couple who can afford it, paying for the travel expenses as well is a gracious gesture, but otherwise, travel expenses and any other costs are the responsibility of the attendant—a bit of information that must be made clear to potential attendants at the onset, so that there are no misunderstandings. Being a bridesmaid or groomsman is always a costly proposition, but never moreso than with a destination wedding. So do be understanding if your invitation is declined.
Q: My formal wedding is in September (a warm month), and everything has been decided except whether to wear hosiery with my wedding sandals. Everyone I know seems to have a strong opinion about it, but it’s fairly evenly divided.
Yes, people have strong opinions about hosiery with sandals. While I agree that the woman who wears pantyhose with her casual sandals and shorts is seriously devoid of fashion sense, there are situations where hosiery is a must whether the shoe is open or closed—and no matter how warm the day. Bare-legs-and-feet is definitely a casual look, and casual is not the look you’re going for in your formal wedding gown. There are attractive alternatives to the ugly reinforced toe. You can actually get toe-less hosiery now (to show off a great pedicure), and pantyhose and stockings with an invisible toe are widely available. In short, hosiery is a must with a bridal gown, particularly if your legs and feet are less than flawless.
Q: Our parents are so disappointed that we have chosen to have a very small destination wedding in the Caribbean rather than a traditional wedding. How can we make it up to them?
They can host a celebration for friends and family who were not able to make the wedding. Schedule it for the earliest possible date after your return, and have invitations mailed as soon as all responses to the wedding invitation have been received.
 Q: My fiancé is originally from Denver, and his parents will be giving us a reception there a month after the wedding here. Since we’ll be flying, we really would prefer cash or gift cards so we don’t have to worry about how we’re going to get the gifts home. How can we properly word our request?
Sorry, but there is no proper way to word an improper request. No mention is ever made of gifts on an invitation to a wedding or a post-wedding celebration such as this. You must leave it to your fiancé’s family to inform those who might ask. And common sense will tell most guests that a bread machine isn’t going to fit in your carry-on.
Q: I’ve always wanted a formal evening wedding, but we really can’t afford a dinner reception. Is it okay to just have wine and hors d’oeuvres?
It is perfectly proper to have less than a full meal if the timing is right. Guests invited for a 2:00 or 3:00 ceremony followed by a reception ending at 6:00 or 6:30 would likely not be expecting a meal. A reception following a late evening, say 8:00, ceremony might also be appropriate for a limited menu. Though the invitation time alone should tell guests not to expect dinner, spelling out the details in the invitation— ”and afterward for wine and hors d’oeuvres”—will prevent any confusion. Avoid scheduling the reception during typical dinner hours and you will avoid disappointing your guests.
Q: Do we have to have a table for our vendors at the reception?
The vendors who remain at the wedding—consultant, photographer, videographer, DJ, band—should be provided with food and non-alcoholic beverages in a separate area not too far removed from the action. Many brides prefer to seat their consultant at a guest table so she or he can monitor events without interruption. Some caterers put together “box lunches” for the vendors, which is a better option for bands since all the musicians might not be sitting down at one time to a meal. Or the caterer will provide the wedding meal, or at least the main course, at a reduced cost for the vendors since it does not include hors d’oeuvres and all courses.
Q: Should we invite our officiant to the reception?
If you are being married in a place of worship you or your family attends or by an officiant with whom you or your family has a relationship,  you must invite your officiant and his or her spouse to both the reception and the rehearsal dinner. It is best to seat them with your parents, aunts and uncles, or whoever you feel will include them in the conversation. If you are being married by an officiant you have engaged specifically for your wedding, an invitation is optional. In this case it would be a gracious gesture to invite the officiant to stay for a while after the ceremony and enjoy some refreshments during the cocktail hour. This invitation should be extended in advance—don’t count on remembering anything at the wedding!
Q: Who should be invited to the bridesmaid luncheon?
You don’t need to include anyone else—this is a strictly optional event for just the bride and her maids. And it needn’t be a luncheon. It could be anything from dinner or afternoon tea to happy hour or a trip to your favorite day spa.
Q: Who pays for the bachelor or bachelorette party?
Here is the one instance where it is perfectly proper for the person issuing the invitation to ask attendees to chip in. Tell guests in advance, of course, what the plan is and the amount of the suggested contributions. Enough should be collected to cover the share of the bachelor or bachelorette, who does not pay for anything. |
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