Your Wedding Day - Marriage Preparation in the Wedding Planning Process

Marriage Preparation in the Wedding Planning Process

It was right before a friend’s wedding a few years ago that I realized families aren’t always pleasant to each other during the wedding process. For years it has been suggested that couples seek the advice of the clergy to prepare for their commitment to marriage in the form of “pre-marital counseling”. More frequently now the family has been getting involved. Many newlyweds are fortunate to have functional, happy relationships with their own families as well as their in-laws. Yet, like my friend, more and more are confused about the new family dynamics. My friend’s experience was to be told in writing from her soon-to-be mother-in-law the pros and cons of herself. An actual list of what her fiancée’s mother thought she should personally work on for their lives together. It was when I heard this story that it became crystal clear: pre-marital counseling needed to include more people than the couple, and it should be a priority.

The planning process is wonderful and challenging simultaneously. This is also true of therapy. Couples or family counseling is an investment in your future, buying you the skills to communicate effectively and productively if trouble comes up. One worse-case scenario I saw from a couple that came in for counseling before their wedding pertained to the groom’s mother, who stated at every family gathering that she would actively pursue ending their relationship before the wedding took place. She began openly sabotaging her son’s relationship because she didn’t like the attention the daughter-in-law was taking away from her.

When this kind of trouble comes up before the nuptials have even taken place, it’s essential everyone have a chance to address their needs with the objectivity of a therapist. Traditionally, couples have waited until conflict becomes an issue after the ceremony to attend counseling. These escalated circumstances prove the wait-and-see approach only enables the dynamics to continue.

When family behaves badly or won’t listen to your wishes, it’s time to call the therapist and focus on healthy boundaries. When family begins open hostility to one another, it’s time to learn new communication skills with a therapist. If either the bride or groom begins to feel animosity from their impending in-laws, it’s time to get into the therapy room. In my opinion, the best case-scenario has all of the family in therapy together.

Confronting these dynamics as soon as they come up is essential to getting the marriage off on the right

track: conflict-free. There’s plenty of time to disagree over the cleanliness of the house, the division of labor in household chores, or the color of paint. When a marriage starts with conflict that becomes divisive or is a repeated personal attack from a family member, that’s a whole new ballgame and why I created the term “wedding coaching”. All of my pre-marital clients struggle with the same issues.: Limits, communication and escalation. Boundaries are healthy and part of everyday life (traffic laws, workplace etiquette, etc.) and yet they struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries with the people they interact with most. Communication skills are important as they pave the road back from conflict – of any kind. “Learning to argue” sounds ridiculous yet enables personal needs to be heard and acted on. Learning the triggers for anger, to be assertive, and take on only what you are individually responsible for are essential tools when living in family dynamics. Through wedding coaching you can address all of these issues and resolve the family conflict before it weakens the relationship.

The best thing anyone can do for their marriage is to invest in its future. Planning a wedding is exciting and hopeful. Now preparation for how to disagree by finding common ground and respect is planning for a strong and loving relationship after the wedding of your dreams.

Jodi Klugman-Rabb is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area who specializes in family dynamics, conflict resolution, anger management and trauma. Contact her at www.jkrabb.com

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